LOVE PART I

Recently, I suddenly had these rush of thoughts that came to me without warning. I started to feel so lonely and alone due to these thoughts. Anybody else ever wonders who actually would love and care for you other than your family members and close friends. I wonder all the time. I never doubt the love and concern I received from the family and the different groups of friends, never once doubted. Because I would love to treat my friends sincerely with love and concern, thankfully, they treated me the exact same way.

However, I have been thinking who else other than them would love me the same way too. The answer was my other half. Watching many friends of mine telling their different love stories made me think of the concept of love. What defines the concept of love from the other half? I agree that different people have different standards and ways to express love.

For me, I often dream of a boyfriend loving me more than I can love myself, reminding me how to love myself because he loves me. I know this is kind of silly, entrusting the love for myself to somebody else's hands. This should appear to be very naive and foolish. Instead of thinking the same way, I find that the love from the man of your life would actually be motivating and it would push me on to become my very best in life. A boyfriend to me means that he would be there for me unconditionally and be by my back anytime. A pillar of support. At the same time, I would not want to receive everything from him only. I wants to be his pillar of support as well. The idea of love is plainly taking and giving back while loving the other person with all of my heart.

Most importantly, I find that this boyfriend that happens to love me as much as I love him would help to prove my worth to me. All along I agree that I feel so inferior that nobody would actually love me. I do not have the exact qualities to be loved by another person who does not have the responsibility of loving me. By responsibility of loving me, I mean the need to love me because that person is my family or my friend. I understand that love they give me is not granted. I have to fight for them and I am fighting.

However, the struggle and fight for the love from another person that does not have the responsibility to love is so tough and difficult that I feel like giving up. I feel like just accepting my fate that I do not have the qualities. Guys being guys, I do not have the shallow qualities they look for: looks and figure. I am ugly and fat. However, I do not possess the qualities that guys look for in one's character or personality as well. I am not sweet nor feminine that a guy often loves. I am loyal and caring, that I admit. But these are the qualities that are sufficient to becomes brothers. 

The failure that I have faced proved to me that I can be nothing than a brother to a guy. When would someone actually love me and be there for me?

Like the idiot I am, I often compare myself to my friends around me. I nearly always see people loving my friends with all their hearts and my friends blissfully in love. Would I actually be able to get rid of the loneliness within me and be loved?