如果 我没那么软弱

假如把犯得起的错 能错的都错过
应该还来得及去悔过

假如没把一切说破
那一场小风波 将一笑带过

在感情面前 讲什么自我
要得过且过 才好过

全都怪我
不该沉默时沉默 该勇敢时软弱
如果不是我 误会自己洒脱 让我们难过
可当初的你 和现在的我 假如重来过

倘若那天
把该说的话好好说 该体谅的不执著
如果那天我 不受情绪挑拨 你会怎么做
那么多如果 可能如果我
可惜没如果 只剩下结果

如果早点了解 那率性的你
或者晚一点 遇上成熟的我

If only.

I think we have been spending too much time together that I start to see to feel and see the flaws of us. Some things I am able to tolerate but others I can't. In our friendship, if I am unhappy, I state it clearly to you why I am unhappy. However, it doesn't seem like it in your case.... Instead of tweeting about it, why not you just let me know right in my face?

LOVE PART II

Just read this article online just now. It was a discussion about brief relationship that could easily be mistaken as true love. A sentence struck me so hard that I decided to stop and think.

"Maybe we lacked confidence in ourselves, and the idea of having a partner made us more confident."

Lately I felt an attraction towards somebody within my small little clique and this attraction is growing day by day. It is not easy to finally feel attracted to someone again and I feel like I am building a barrier, a wall surrounding my heart, using my brain to control my feelings. It never is easy to control yourself this way because the origin of feelings is the heart. Something is stopping me from going the way my heart wants. I strongly believe is that I dont think happiness is coming for me yet cause I should deserve karma from whatever I did for the past 6 months. Things are not going the same way as how the young me would want to live. Karma for playing around in clubs should make me undeserving of love for the time being. So I do not think I am actually suitable to fall for him and he definitely deserves someone better.

Also, I am not sure whether the feeling for him is real. I do not know whether I just want to seek for comfort within him instead of truly liking him as a person.

LOVE PART I

Recently, I suddenly had these rush of thoughts that came to me without warning. I started to feel so lonely and alone due to these thoughts. Anybody else ever wonders who actually would love and care for you other than your family members and close friends. I wonder all the time. I never doubt the love and concern I received from the family and the different groups of friends, never once doubted. Because I would love to treat my friends sincerely with love and concern, thankfully, they treated me the exact same way.

However, I have been thinking who else other than them would love me the same way too. The answer was my other half. Watching many friends of mine telling their different love stories made me think of the concept of love. What defines the concept of love from the other half? I agree that different people have different standards and ways to express love.

For me, I often dream of a boyfriend loving me more than I can love myself, reminding me how to love myself because he loves me. I know this is kind of silly, entrusting the love for myself to somebody else's hands. This should appear to be very naive and foolish. Instead of thinking the same way, I find that the love from the man of your life would actually be motivating and it would push me on to become my very best in life. A boyfriend to me means that he would be there for me unconditionally and be by my back anytime. A pillar of support. At the same time, I would not want to receive everything from him only. I wants to be his pillar of support as well. The idea of love is plainly taking and giving back while loving the other person with all of my heart.

Most importantly, I find that this boyfriend that happens to love me as much as I love him would help to prove my worth to me. All along I agree that I feel so inferior that nobody would actually love me. I do not have the exact qualities to be loved by another person who does not have the responsibility of loving me. By responsibility of loving me, I mean the need to love me because that person is my family or my friend. I understand that love they give me is not granted. I have to fight for them and I am fighting.

However, the struggle and fight for the love from another person that does not have the responsibility to love is so tough and difficult that I feel like giving up. I feel like just accepting my fate that I do not have the qualities. Guys being guys, I do not have the shallow qualities they look for: looks and figure. I am ugly and fat. However, I do not possess the qualities that guys look for in one's character or personality as well. I am not sweet nor feminine that a guy often loves. I am loyal and caring, that I admit. But these are the qualities that are sufficient to becomes brothers. 

The failure that I have faced proved to me that I can be nothing than a brother to a guy. When would someone actually love me and be there for me?

Like the idiot I am, I often compare myself to my friends around me. I nearly always see people loving my friends with all their hearts and my friends blissfully in love. Would I actually be able to get rid of the loneliness within me and be loved?

This can be the start of something new. I  just have so many thoughts in my mind that I can seem to voice out to anybody but it urgently needs to get out of me. I don't know whether I would be able to continue this and sound coherent. I am going to try my very best to sound coherent and type grammatically correct sentences too.